Court Date
by Darkclarkson
Summary: Yoda decides to press charges against the Emperor over Windu's death. The Emperor hires a lawyer with a ridiculous name, and Yoda hires someone else... One-shot.


Disclaimer: I do not own Star Wars, it belongs to Lucasfilm. However, Brian Bloggs the lawyer is mine!

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><p>The Senate filed into the large domed hall through the individual entrances, mumbling quietly between themselves as they sat down in their individual cushioned pods. Some of the Senators looked around to see who else was there, whilst others muttered disparagingly at having been called to this emergency conference. Many had woken up this morning, hoping to go back to their homeworlds and visit their families or friends, only to be told the Emperor had requested, no, <em>demanded<em>, their presence at an emergency session in order to deal with what the message had called an "unforeseen legal matter". Many were questioning what this aforementioned legal matter was and whether they should be worried by the fact that what appeared to be the entire Senate was present for this session. Obviously, it was something important, as the Emperor would have not summoned them all.

Eventually, all fell silent as the central pod began to rise upon its sleek, shining pole from what had formerly been the Supreme Chancellor's office and now was known as the Throne Room. All eyes were on the Emperor as he sat in the pod, his scarred visage half hidden in shadow by his hooded cloak. To his left stood his new advisors whom he had appointed shortly after the dissolution of the Republic, wishing for a new image, and on his right, two elite rank Stormtroopers, dressed in the red of the Guard, weapons primed as they scanned the crowd intently for any signs of trouble. Both had already spotted the apparently empty pod, but all occupants of the central seat knew that they were waiting to be introduced into the debate. Eventually, the pod reached its peak and the Emperor slowly stood.

"Senators" he said, inclining his head to the assembled audience, his voice brittle. "My sincere apologises for calling you at this time." He wasn't sorry, but thought that he best make the effort to appear sorry. "However, as I am sure that you will now all be aware of a unforeseen legal matter has arisen. Namely, that someone wishes to file legal proceedings against me."

A murmur of shock ran through the Senate; some were sure that they had misheard. Someone wished to start legal proceedings against the Emperor, the supreme leader of the Galactic Empire? The Emperor waited for the murmur to die down before he continued.

"Now, it is perfectly within the rights of the individual to question my decisions" he said slowly, and some noticed a hint of disgust to his voice. "But the individuals in question have requested that, under new guidelines, that their case be examined..." He paused as he tried to choose his words without offending his opponents. "In the open" he concluded.

A sound came from the Emperor's left hand side; a pod from the planet Nyarthia. Its feline-like creature stood and spoke in a soft feminine tone.

"May I ask, to the Senate, who would so dare to challenge the leadership and question the authority of the decisions of our Emperor?"

A shout of approval ran around the Senate. The Emperor grinned; he had at first feared that his leadership may have been undermined by this incident, but it seemed that he had the backing of all of his representatives.

"Well, thank you" he addressed the audience, his lips curling into an ugly smile. "Thank you for your words of confidence. And, indeed, I can see that those sentiments are echoed elsewhere. Who would question?"

"Me, it would be" came a high, strong voice. As one, the Senate turned to what had been at first appearance, an empty pod; now, they saw two figures; one small, stood upon the front, a gnarled hand grasping onto the steel rail that surrounded the pod, with green skin and pointed ears, dressed in a brown cloak; the other, a man who appeared to be in his late thirties, with a sandy brown head of hair and beard that seemed to be greying at the edges, also dressed in a long brown cloak. Both stood, wearing defiant expressions upon their faces, starring hard at the Emperor, who returned their gaze with a cold look; he registered no surprise at seeing his two adversaries.

The rest of the Senate, on the other hand, were split. Some were completely unsurprised at seeing the two Jedi standing in a Senate pod; some were gobsmacked and struck dumb; most were shouting and screaming at the sudden presence of two accused murderers in their presence and were quickly reading their last rites to each other in desperation.

"It was I who challenged the Emperor, indeed" said Yoda, his voice carrying through the noise; all fell silent. "Today, discover the true fate of the Jedi Order, we shall. Emperor Palpatine, our case begins now. Agree do you, or not?"

"I agree" said the Emperor darkly; Obi-Wan nodded.. "The case begins now." He turned back to the Senate, and all eyes turned back to him. "As Emperor Palpatine of the Galactic Empire, I hereby recognize my opponent, Jedi Grand Master Yoda of the Jedi Council, formerly. I call my legal representative, Brian Bloggs."

Another murmur ran through the Senate assembled; the presence of Brian Bloggs was nearly as big as the appearance of two fugitives. A pod emerged from near the top of the assembly and a small, yet rather fierce looking man stepped forwards. He was roughly only five foot tall, but had a full head of grey hair sleeked back and wore rather large rimmed spectacles. He pushed his glasses up his nose and started to speak in a surprising low voice.

"Ladies and gentlemen of the Senate, here is the facts of this case. Emperor Palpatine has been accused of the following criminal charge by the prosecution; the murder of Jedi Grand Master Mace Windu. Before we start..."

"Wait" interjected Obi-Wan. "Mr Bloggs, aside from being Mr Palpatine's legal representative, you are also the judge in this trial?"

"No Mr Kenobi, the Senate is the jury. Upon having heard all of the evidence, the Senate will reach a decision and present it. There is no need for a judge" said Bloggs as he surveyed the Jedi through his thick glasses.

"Rigged, this is" said Yoda in an undertone, so only Obi-Wan could here. He nodded and gave a small smile.

"Remember why we're doing this, Yoda" he said. "Pissing off the Emperor will be the best fun we've had in ages."

Yoda nodded and smiled as well. "Satisfactory, the result may not be. But humour, guaranteed it is."

"Prosecution, may I have you attention please?" said Bloggs and the two Jedi returned to starring at the lawyer. "Now, may I ask whom is your representation, Master Yoda?"

"That would be me, Mr Bloggs" said Obi-Wan indicating himself. The Emperor let out an audible snort.

"You?" he said, incredulously. "You're the legal representative for the prosecution?"

"Yes" replied Obi-Wan, smiling at the Emperor. "And I'm feeling pretty confident that the outcome will deliver me and my client some level of..." He twisted his tongue around the last word. "Enjoyment."

The Emperor blinked; he hadn't expected Obi-Wan to say that. Mind you, he hadn't expected the two Jedi to have accosted him in a curry house and announce their intention to not kill him, but rather press charges against him. It had put the Emperor off his dinner and had caused him to ring up Bloggs. The two Jedi's demands had been simple enough; they wished to prosecute Palpatine in the Senate, in accordance with the new Empire rules (the Emperor didn't remember authorizing those rules and was suspicious as to how they had got there) and had laid out a previously arranged number of outcomes, which Bloggs was in the process of explaining.

"Should the defendant be found guilty of the aforementioned charge, then the prosecution council will be granted political asylum in a destination of their choice; the Empire will no longer meddle with their affairs."

The Emperor found these conditions annoying; if he was found guilty of the charge, he wouldn't be able to pursue the Jedi and get rid of them permanently. On the plus side, at least they hadn't made conditions for him to be forced out of office.

"Should the defendant be found not guilty on the aforementioned charge, they have a decision concerning the fate of the prosecution council. These fates have been preselected by the defendant if he wins the trial." Bloggs turned to the Emperor who was snapped out of his thoughts. "My lord, what have you decided for the prosecution should you find them not guilty?

The Emperor's lips curled into the same ugly smile he had worn earlier. "I decree that they are to be stoned to near death with gravel."

Obi-Wan and Yoda were both taken aback at the Emperor's comments.

"Wait, near-death?" Obi-Wan sound loudly. "Why not death, full stop? Are you having budget cuts or something?" His comment drew a laugh from the some of the Senate but the Emperor simply smiled.

"No, we're not having budget cuts. But after every bone in your body is broken, you'll wish you were dead."

There was silence.

Then a bit more silence.

Then Obi-Wan stood up.

"Point taken" he said. "Shall I lead off, Mr Bloggs?"

"Lead away, Mr Kenobi" said Bloggs as he removed his spectacles and polished them on his cuffs. Obi-Wan cleared his throat.

In relation to the first of the aforementioned charges, the murder of Mace Windu, I wish to call my first witness."

"Go ahead" said Bloggs.

"I call..." Obi-Wan paused to make sure everyone was listening. "Lord Vader as my first witness."

There was a stunned silence around the audience as the man formerly known as Anakin Skywalker entered the chamber and stood in Obi-Wan's pod; the Emperor starred speechless.

"Hang on" he spluttered. "How can you call my apprentice as a witness?"

"Quite easily" replied Obi-Wan tersely, although he was smiling. "Do you want me to highlight the specific law that you yourself passed that entitles me to call members of the Sith to court proceedings?"

"I... Er... I mean, how...?"

"Didn't think so. May I continue uninterrupted Mr Bloggs?"

"Yes" said Bloggs impatiently. "Please get on with it."

"Of course." Obi-Wan turned to his former apprentice. "Now, Mr. Vader, where were you on the night in question?"

"I was in the Chancellor's office" replied Vader, his breathing laboured under the mask.

"Why were you there?" asked Obi-Wan.

"I had gone to confront Master Windu about Darth Sidious."

"And what was happening upon your arrival?"

"Master Windu had Darth Sidious pinned to the wall, reflecting his lightning back at him."

"What happened then?" said Obi-Wan, although he already knew the answer.

"I severed Master Windu's right arm."

"And then?"

"Darth Sidious blasted Master Windu out of the open window, and sent him spiralling to his death."

"Thank you, Lord Vader, no more questions" said Obi-Wan; he starred sadly at his former friend before as he exited before turning back to the Senate.

"Now, I address the Senate. You have seen all the evidence needed to make your decision, but, for the fun of it, let's hear the defence."

The Emperor was not only in shock about Vader's sudden appearance, but was suddenly incensed as well. Had Obi-Wan just played a trump card and laughed in his face? The Emperor felt that his case had slipped. His defence was all he really had.

"Mr Bloggs, my defence" he snapped. Bloggs curtly nodded; for the amount he was being paid, he didn't really complain about how he was spoken to.

"Ladies and gentlemen, I would like to call my first, last and only witness, Emperor Palpatine."

"Hello" said the Emperor sarcastically. "Look, they know I'm the only witness, just get on with it."

"Now, Emperor, you have already heard that you did indeed throw Master Windu from the Chancellor's office, thereby killing him. Was this intentional?"

"No" responded the Emperor, before Bloggs had even finished his question.

"Please explain."

"I was acting in self-defence" replied the Emperor. Somewhere, he heard Yoda snort.

"Very well, no more questions" said Bloggs.

"That was quick" said Obi-Wan, raising an eyebrow. "I was expecting half an hour of complete waffle."

"Waffle, yes. Speed, not" said Yoda quietly. He glanced quickly from side to side, then winked at Obi-Wan who nodded back; neither the Emperor nor Bloggs noticed the quick interchange.

"Senate, you have heard all the evidence presented" said Bloggs in an authoritarian tone. "I would now like for you to pass judgement. All those in favour of the defence, please submit now."

There was the sound of buttons being pressed but nobody was able to tell how many.

"And now, all those in favour of the prosecution, if you will" announced Bloggs. Again, buttons were pressed, but nobody knew the totals.

"And finally, those who wish to abstain, please do so now" Bloggs called out. To the surprise of both parties, there was no movement in the chamber; everyone had already voted.

"Very well" said Bloggs as he pressed a few buttons in his pod. "In accordance with guidelines, the individual total will not be announced. However, the Senate has ruled in the favour of..."

Obi-Wan, Yoda, The Emperor and several gravel merchants held their breath.

"... the prosecution" said Bloggs. Obi-Wan and Yoda both shouted. The Senate burst into applause. The Emperor groaned. The gravel merchants burst into tears.

"Following the rules which have been set up, both members of the prosecution council may now announce the planet of their political asylum. Master Yoda first, if you may..."

"Dagobah, my asylum will be" announced Yoda; there was more clapping from the Senate.

"And Master Kenobi?"

"Tatooine" Obi-Wan responded, with a roguish grin. The Senate clapped even harder.

"Very well" said Bloggs tiredly. "Emperor, if you will..."

The Emperor sighed. He had lost and he couldn't chase the two biggest threats in the galaxy to him. Although every cloud had a silver lining; they wouldn't be able to interfere without breaking asylum. With that single thought, he spoke.

"I hereby grant asylum to both Jedi Grand Master Yoda and Jedi Master Obi-Wan Kenobi, with all the usual trimmings" he said. "Thank you for your time today Senate, and good day to you all." With that, the Emperor's pod began to descend and all of the Senators began to file out.

As they left, Obi-Wan turned to Yoda, who was in his floating chair beside him.

"You know that the outcome has rendered us with virtually the same levels of protection and access we had when the Empire was formed?"

Yoda looked at him with a twinkle in his eye.

"Know? Yes, know that I do. But annoying the Emperor... poetic justice I feel."

The two walked out into the sunlight, laughing, as they headed towards a bar to celebrate for the last time.

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><p>Author notes: the idea for doing a quick spoof of a legal case came from"Ronald Weasley, Ace Attorney" by Andrew Joshua Talon. So kudos to him.<p>

Yes, my main stories haven't even been published yet! And thos chapters are all weighing in over 3000 so this is really short, like all of my one-shots. But hey, that's the way I like them.


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